Understanding Why

Many people who self-harm have no idea why they're doing it. They just know they get uncontrollable urges to hurt themselves. They may worry that they're "crazy", or feel very upset and angry with themselves for not being able to control their behaviour. Friends and family members can also be baffled by self-harm, and not know how best to help.

This page looks at some of the most common reasons why people hurt themselves. It discusses the needs that self-harm might be meeting and how those needs can be met in other ways.

There's always a reason

If you self-harm, you probably have good reasons for doing so. People don't hurt themselves "just because", or in order to be a nuisance to others. Self-harm is usually a way of coping with painful emotions. It may reduce those emotions, help you express them, or just help you function better in spite of them.

Below is a list of common reasons why people self-harm. Read through them, and see if any apply to you. If you're not sure, think back to recent occasions when you've harmed yourself. What were the circumstances that lead up to the self-harm? How did you feel before and afterwards?

Common reasons why people self-harm

to calm down when anxious, angry, overwhelmed, or tearful
to replace emotional pain with something physical that you know how to deal with
to release painful feelings, or take the edges off them, so you can function normally
to prevent yourself from taking anger out on other people or hurting them
to distract yourself from other problems in your life
to slow things down when the world seems to be spinning too fast, or when your thoughts are racing out of control
to help yourself focus
to punish yourself, when you hate yourself or feel guilty, ashamed or inadequate
to keep happiness under control, if feeling happy seems alien to you, or if you know there will be a come-down
to feel something instead of being numb, to prove that you're alive or make yourself feel real
to get in touch with your emotions
to stop yourself from dissociating
to make yourself dissociate so you can escape from your problems for a while
as part of a ritual that helps you feel safe
to express or communicate how you're feeling (to yourself or others)
to prove to yourself or others that something is wrong
to express how much you hate your body
to help yourself get to sleep
to prevent nightmares
to stop flashbacks
to stop hearing voices
to take care of yourself by dressing the wounds afterwards - as an "excuse" to look after yourself
to be taken care of by others (for example, when having your wounds treated)
to make others notice you and your problems
to be in control of something in your life, when everything else seems out of control
to have a secret that others don't know about, something that is just for you
to prove that you can cope with the pain
because you feel anxious or freaked out if you don't do it regularly

Exercise: Print off the list of common reasons for self-harm, or copy it into your journal. Mark those items that you think apply to you. Now add anything else that you get out of self-harm. Try to be as specific as possible. For example, instead of "to help me cope with sexual abuse", you might put, "to punish myself when I feel dirty", "to stop flashbacks of the abuse" and/or "to be in control of who's hurting me".

What if you're still not sure why you hurt yourself? Try not to worry about it too much. There are many things you can do to help yourself even if you don't understand why you're self-harming - take a look at our other self-help pages for ideas. You could also try keeping a self-harm journal where you make a note of what lead up to the self-harm and how you felt before, during and afterwards - this will help you spot patterns. A therapist might also be able to help you understand what you get out of self-harm.

Meeting Needs in Healthier Ways

Once you understand the reasons for your self-harm and the needs it meets, you can start to think about meeting those needs in healthier ways. Here are a few examples:

Reason for self-harm	Healthier way to meet need
To calm yourself down.	Learn relaxation techniques. Use calming essential oils. Seek treatment for anxiety.
To punish yourself.	Try challenging the thought that you need to be punished. If you have good reasons to feel guilty or ashamed, try making amends with the person you've hurt. Seek a therapist's or minister's help in forgiving yourself.
To communicate how you're feeling.	Try expressing yourself through art, music or creative writing. Learn some assertiveness skills so you can communicate with others more directly.

Exercise: Look again at the reasons why you hurt yourself. Now take one of those needs and brainstorm how you could meet it in other ways. If you get stuck, why not ask for help on our forums? You might also benefit from a therapist's help.

Further Information

Why is it so hard to stop?
This article hopes to shed some light on the reasons it is so difficult to stop self-harming.

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Stopping Self-Harm

Understanding Why

There's always a reason

Common reasons why people self-harm

Meeting Needs in Healthier Ways

Further Information